The first two weeks I was fantastic. Conquering my to-do lists, working out and eating well, feeling fine. The second two weeks, I was depressed. Miserable. Didn't care about anything... work, diet, gym, friends, etc. And these past two weeks, I don't even know. Everything has been a jumble. I can't find a routine, I can't find a quiet place. I can't organize my thoughts or focus on anything. What is wrong with me?
And then the dreams... I never remember my dreams, but these past few days have been ridiculous. Dragonflies, mice, Joshua getting shot... then last night I dreamt it was the day of wedding and my dress was covered in blood. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME? Every time I walk past my front window, I'm scared to look out because I'm expecting to see "the suited ones." I look up and down my street to make sure they aren't there waiting before I get into my car and drive off to work. It's insane, this paranoia... I haven't heard from Joshua in over a week and I feel like it's driving me insane.
Even as much as I fill my time... working every day, Monday through Friday. Visiting family and friends on the weekend. Cake classes on Wednesday nights, wedding planning in between, gym time in the morning. But I still feel like I'm just going through the motions. I think I have insomnia. I can't fall asleep at night anymore. I feel like I haven't slept in six weeks. I can't get to bed before 2am most nights, and then I struggle to wake up at 5am to go to the gym. I haven't gone lately.
I think I need to find routine again. I need to make sure I DO go to the gym every morning. I need to plan my outfits for work and pack my lunches ahead of time so things go more smoothly in the morning. I need to clean my living space and organize my desk and closet so I can focus again, and feel less cluttered. I don't know what else to do. I know I sleep better when I work out in the mornings. I can't survive the next 5 1/2 months like this, living on the edge of my seat, forgetting to take a breath every two minutes.
Earlier today, I went into work to unpack boxes... corporate relocated to a new office building downtown on Friday, and since I'm salary I had to go in today to set up my desk so I'm ready to start working right away tomorrow morning... more on that another time.
For the rest of the day, I have some cleaning, laundry, organizing, and scrapbooking to do before Army Wives tonight. I think if I get things cleaned up and plan out my lunches and outfits for the week, it may go more smoothly. I'm not expecting to hear from Joshua for another few weeks... I'm told he could be on some special mission... so until then, I'll stay busy. I'll do everything I can do. I'm trying my best not to complain and to stay strong for him, and I know this isn't the type of blog I should be posting for my fellow military friends and spouses to read. It's not very moto, is it? I'll get better. There is no other choice right now!