18 April 2010

Paranoia & Distraction

I must admit, I'm not handling this deployment as gracefully as I anticipated. I am convinced that similar the the stages of grief, there are also stages of deployment... only I can't pinpoint what they are and I have no idea what stage I am in.

The first two weeks I was fantastic. Conquering my to-do lists, working out and eating well, feeling fine. The second two weeks, I was depressed. Miserable. Didn't care about anything... work, diet, gym, friends, etc. And these past two weeks, I don't even know. Everything has been a jumble. I can't find a routine, I can't find a quiet place. I can't organize my thoughts or focus on anything. What is wrong with me?

And then the dreams... I never remember my dreams, but these past few days have been ridiculous. Dragonflies, mice, Joshua getting shot... then last night I dreamt it was the day of wedding and my dress was covered in blood. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME? Every time I walk past my front window, I'm scared to look out because I'm expecting to see "the suited ones." I look up and down my street to make sure they aren't there waiting before I get into my car and drive off to work. It's insane, this paranoia... I haven't heard from Joshua in over a week and I feel like it's driving me insane.

Even as much as I fill my time... working every day, Monday through Friday. Visiting family and friends on the weekend. Cake classes on Wednesday nights, wedding planning in between, gym time in the morning. But I still feel like I'm just going through the motions. I think I have insomnia. I can't fall asleep at night anymore. I feel like I haven't slept in six weeks. I can't get to bed before 2am most nights, and then I struggle to wake up at 5am to go to the gym. I haven't gone lately.

I think I need to find routine again. I need to make sure I DO go to the gym every morning. I need to plan my outfits for work and pack my lunches ahead of time so things go more smoothly in the morning. I need to clean my living space and organize my desk and closet so I can focus again, and feel less cluttered. I don't know what else to do. I know I sleep better when I work out in the mornings. I can't survive the next 5 1/2 months like this, living on the edge of my seat, forgetting to take a breath every two minutes.

Earlier today, I went into work to unpack boxes... corporate relocated to a new office building downtown on Friday, and since I'm salary I had to go in today to set up my desk so I'm ready to start working right away tomorrow morning... more on that another time.

For the rest of the day, I have some cleaning, laundry, organizing, and scrapbooking to do before Army Wives tonight. I think if I get things cleaned up and plan out my lunches and outfits for the week, it may go more smoothly. I'm not expecting to hear from Joshua for another few weeks... I'm told he could be on some special mission... so until then, I'll stay busy. I'll do everything I can do. I'm trying my best not to complain and to stay strong for him, and I know this isn't the type of blog I should be posting for my fellow military friends and spouses to read. It's not very moto, is it? I'll get better. There is no other choice right now! 


  1. Hang in there! It's so hard but try to stay positive. He will be back soon, he has a lot to fight for, he has a lot to look forward to coming home to :D Keeping you and your fiance in my prayers.

  2. I've always felt that there were stages to deployments as well. Although mine is usually the opposite, I'm always depressed and miserable right after he leaves then after a week or so I find my routine and the days seem to go by a little faster.
    You're allowed to handle this deployment any way that works for you! Don't let others make you feel like you have to be graceful about it or whatever. :)
    That's a really cute picture of the two of you!

  3. sending some love you way <3. I know I do not understand as much what you are going through as I am not experiencing a deployment. but i am here for you to help the best i can. And this blog is designed to let out how you are feeling and be a release. Saying how you feel will help in the process of feeling better. i love you!

  4. Don't worry about what you "should" be writing for other women. This is your blog, your feelings, your place on the web. Plus, what you're going through others have/will and can relate to =)

  5. For me, finding a routine (and sticking with it) begins with re-setting my sleep clock. Last deployment, this required a glass of wine every night just so I could GO to sleep! Since then I have found Ambien, which works wonders. Get your sleep schedule going, and the rest will follow.
    You can do this!

  6. Hi I'm a new follower! Just wanted to say I understand what you are going through, I just did a short post on the stages of deployment and then saw your post today. I totally relate with everything you are saying, even remembering my dreams! Don't worry about handling a deployment gracefully, it's hard and takes time to relax & get back into a routine. Hang in there!

  7. Yeah, I was depressed right when they left, and my weeks have kinda been touch and go. Somedays I'm great and other days, I'm extremely melancholy.

    Routine is key. "Excellence is not an act, but a habit" -Aristotle This quote has been replaying through my head lately. And we will get there!! Give yourself some down time, but also give yourself some time to establish a routine!

    Hey you are already ahead of a lot of women (myself included), because this is your SECOND deployment! You go girl!!

    Just think about that amazing homecoming!!!!

  8. I was the same way the first 2 weeks. I was running all over town being all busy-bee and then week 3 it was just like my whole world stopped. I spent almost 2 weeks in my house crying and being paranoid that at any second I was going to die alone in my apartment. I stayed up all night, slept all day, sometimes I didn't sleep.

    There was a time where I had almost 4 weeks worth of garbage piled on my porch along with 30 newspapers until finally the guy across the way got fed up and got rid of all of it for me. And that's when I realized I was pathetic and I had to put a stop to it.

    Since then, I started to realize I could do it, and I've been able to keep busy doing mostly home projects and care packages.

    I had the dreams too. The worst one was where I dreamed I was in a car accident and was going to die and so the doctors transplanted my brain into the body of John McCain. You can laugh about that NOW, but at the time the whole concept of dying and leaving him here to live, or vice versa was unbearable.

  9. It's rough! I know. I would say that nothing starts to feel "normal" until about month three. And by "normal" I mean you get use to the anxiety and you fall into a rythm. It's going to suck no matter what, but I think you have the right idea, get that routine set in stone! I hope this week is better.

  10. You can write whatever you want to. I don't think anyone is here to judge you. It seems like you know what you need to do and I think it will get easier for you. Just do your best to be positive and remember it's ok not to be sometimes too. I hope this week is better for you.

  11. It takes time to fall back into a routine. I think you are on the right track...do your best to schedule things out and make yourself get up in the mornings to workout. You will feel so much better and your days will start to feel "normal." Once you start to feel normal again the days will start to pass quicker and the next 5 months will fly by!

  12. "To see blood in your dream, represents life, love, and passion as well as disappointments"

  13. Dani, I feel just like this too. Seriously for the last 2 weeks I have been so on edge. I look out my bedroom window 10 times a day thinking I hear someone outside. And I am always scared it will be them. I am here for you whenever you need it. We just have to help eachother get back on track!

  14. There are definitely stages of deployment, but I don't think we all go through them the same way or at the same speed. Hang in there!

  15. Ummm, yah...this is pretty much how it's going to go until you get him home. Seriously, it freaking sucks!!!! I know! The thing that helps me get through my days here, are my sister marine wives! They are my glue!!!!! I love them! Do you have anyone like that around you?

  16. Ugh, I can only imagine how hard this is for you. And don't worry about being graceful, because even if you don't think so, you are my deployment "idol". I only hope to handle it as well as you (if I have to).

    Ps. I have an award for you on my blog!

  17. You can write whatever you like on your blog! It is ok to feel however you really feel. When Ryan was in Iraq I had a rollercoaster of emotions, it was terrifying and scary and sad and heartbreaking all over the place.

    PS I also have an award for you on my blog!


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